Healing Mindset

00:00:06 Speaker 1: We often talk about emotional regulation. Like it like it is something we should already know how to do. As if staying calm under pressure at work or at home is just a personal strength some people have and others do not. But what if emotional regulation is not about control at all? What if it is about understanding how nervous system are subconscious patterns and our relationships all interact in real time.

00:00:36 Speaker 1: Welcome to Healing Mindset, where we explore the inner shift that help us live, lead and relate with more clarity and compassion. I am your host and today I am joined by Penny Wilson, a mental fitness coach and a certified hypnotherapist who supports parents, teachers and leaders carrying heavy emotional responsibility. Penny helps people move out of reactive pattern and into calm self-mastery by consciously working with the subconscious mind. So in this episode, we are exploring emotional regulation at home and at work, and what it really takes to stay grounded without shutting ourselves down. So, Penny, welcome to the show.

00:01:28 Speaker 2: Thank you so much. It's a pleasure to be here.

00:01:31 Speaker 1: Likewise, penny. So, Penny, before we, uh, talk about tools and frameworks, I want to know what first drew you personally into the work of emotional regulation and mental fitness?

00:01:46 Speaker 2: So my story begins about twenty years ago when I was experiencing what I call my mom, Zilla stage. And I keep hearing my my greatest mentors, they say we teach what we most need to learn. So my lived experience comes from that place where I was totally emotionally dysregulated as a mom. And in my homeschool practice, all the things that I was doing in my life, it was as if my body held all of the past triggers inside of me, and I was experiencing this pinball machine effect. I call it, where each different experience I would have in my life would hit one trigger, and then the next, and then the next. And I felt like I was in this constant state of emergency. So it was in that place and from that lived experience that I really needed to find for myself the answers that really do work. And my brain is wired to find patterns. So over the past twenty years, I've been looking for those patterns that create the fastest result with the least amount of effort. And that's how I have come to the principles, the, um, frames and structures that we use.

00:03:00 Speaker 1: Absolutely. The way you have explained it and you have shared this thing with us, it brings so much depth and clarity to this conversation. It really sets the tone for us to move ahead. And one thing I often hear is that emotional regulation means suppressing emotions or always staying calm. So from your perspective, what do people misunderstand most about emotional regulation?

00:03:26 Speaker 2: Well, that's a really good question because there are different ways to approach emotional regulation. In fact, I'm reading a book right now. It's called Shift in how to recognize that emotional regulation can be brought from the experience of first recognizing what you're feeling, recognizing and listening to your body, or from the perspective of choosing to dissociate or pause those emotions until you can get to a place where you can allow yourself to feel them. So emotional regulation really is a place for me and the frameworks that we have created in in a way that we learn from our lived experience to recognize what am I experiencing right now? And most of the time we ignore what our bodies are feeling, but our body is what has such the emotional intelligence inside of us, not only in our brains, but literally all of our past experiences are stored in our cells, and they're there wanting to give us messages and signals. So I really look at it as a school of life, like my body is experiencing something right now. And when I get to that chance to slow down and listen. Finding out what that message is will help me approach my life in a way that I can be more connected. Because those experiences that I had as a mom twenty years ago, it really was the heavy emotions inside of me that was causing me to be triggered, those past memories that I hadn't yet dealt with. So in order to have more connection as a parent or as a leader, looking at what is inside of us and finding that way to, um, come to peace with it, to get the messages, get the answers, and the insights that we need to learn is our school of life. And that's how we come up. And we show up as our best self to find the passion, the way that we want to lead, the stories that we want to share, that are meaningful to our kids. So it's for me, it's learning to recognize what is this experience wanting to teach me? What can I learn from it?

00:05:26 Speaker 1: Absolutely. You have shared this personal experience with us and it feels so good to hear it and feeling so powerful. And, you know, I feel that this distinction is so important. It sounds like regulation is not about silencing emotion, but about learning how to stay connected with ourselves while they move through us.

00:05:48 Speaker 2: Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. There's so much wisdom. And just really looking at as that it's it's a gift. Whatever you're going through, there's something that you can gain from it. And what is that.

00:06:00 Speaker 1: Yes. That is something I personally agree with because, you know, and it is also going to be something that a lot of our listeners will resonate with. And, you know, seeing you saying it brings so much hope to us that whatever we are going through, there is something that we're going to gain from it. Definitely. Absolutely.

00:06:19 Speaker 2: Yeah.

00:06:20 Speaker 1: Yeah. When someone finds themselves constantly reactive, especially in high responsibility role, what is usually happening beneath the surface.

00:06:32 Speaker 2: That's a great question because we need to understand like why? Why is this happening? Because in the moment of that emotional trigger, your feels like your brain's on fire. It feels like you're living a script that somebody else wrote for you, a life that you don't want to live. Especially when you have those moments like I had when I would yell at my kids, when I would try to control them and do all those things. I didn't want to do those things, but they were automatic responses. So understanding truly what's happening inside of us is the key to having compassion for okay, how can I approach this differently? So for those that have understood the brain, there's lots of doctory science words, but I like to break it down into very simple, regular like childlike language. So if I'm explaining to an eight year old and and this goes along to, you know, the inner child within all of us that we need to understand on a very simple level what's happening without the confusion of all those complicated words. So how I explain it is in the back of our brain. We have a place that takes over and I call it the monkey brain, because it was the first part of our brain that was developed. But that monkey brain is what's trying to keep us safe. And when we are in a state of fight or flight and we have those automatic responses, the monkey brain has taken control and we're having all these reactions that are happening automatically, even though we don't want it in the best self of who we are. So in order to to calm down and get to a place where we can make decisions again, because the front part of our brain shuts off when that monkey brain is taken over. It's kind of like an either or. So the monkey brain takes over and it says, here's what we're doing. You have to do this. It becomes this emergency, and you can imagine it like a an army control commander trying to keep everybody safe and, and do what's needed. But in order to get the access to the intelligence, again, intelligence that's inside of our brains. We need to calm down and help our bodies to feel safe again. So really, it's getting to that place where you can pause, you can begin to breathe, and breathing is always the first thing that I teach people. Finding that choice that you have, like your breath, is so, so powerful. I know there's people that do all sorts of breathing exercises and amazing things like that, but the thing I love about it is the autonomic nervous system, what automatically works within our body. Our breath is going all the time, and most of the time we don't notice it. But the breath is also one of the few things in the body that we can intentionally choose. So we can choose to slow our breath down, or we can choose to speed it up. And ironically enough, your heart rate is connected with your breath. So in order to find that calm place again in the front of your brain, where the intelligence is accessed, where you can find the the problem solving part of your brain, Finding that place to get calm. And if you have to, like if you're talking to your kids, you're in the middle of an argument or with your team and you're noticing, okay, you know what? I need a break. Let's take five. Will come right back, and you get to your place where you can be calm and still and close your eyes and just start breathing and listening to your breath and feel your body slow down. So the brain and we can talk about later the frameworks that we use. But it's really getting to that calm place. So you can then again make decisions. So understanding how your brain is working is a very key significant piece, because you could have this ridicule voice in your head that says you're doing it wrong or you're broken or you're making all these mistakes, but really, it's not your fault because those automatic responses are taking over. And when you notice it, that's when you can claim your power to choose to get calm and then get to that place where you can make a choice with intention.

00:10:30 Speaker 1: Absolutely I agree. You know, from what I hear is that reactivity is often learning survival response and not a character flaw. And understanding that alone can change how people relate to themselves is very important.

00:10:51 Speaker 2: Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Because what you say to yourself on the inside, that conversation, the story, the way you talk to yourself that makes all the difference for how you can feel about yourself, what you believe.

00:11:07 Speaker 1: So how do these emotional patterns typically show up differently, you know, at home versus at work?

00:11:16 Speaker 2: Well, I'm actually not certain that they do show up differently. I think the the way that I've been wired to notice things is by patterns and to recognize what's happening in my experience. And what I've discovered is that the home is a little baby step for what happens in a bigger circle at work. So the patterns that I develop at home, when I react and and react to my kids, is the instinctive pattern that I'm going to have at work when I train myself in how to act with my coworkers. So it's typical, though, that when we go more into public places, like if you imagine an iceberg and the iceberg, the top of the iceberg is the most visible seen place. That's where you're going to have the most intention to show up with all of your best manners and your best skills, your way of that. You could show people that you're you're acting on your best behavior, so to speak. But when you get back to home, usually it's those relationships that suffer most because we let down that, um, trying to perform part. So the, the bottom line is that the skills we develop at home and when we practice them at home, like working in win win relationships and those conversations like if you're having a conflict relationship at home, learning to communicate through that conflict is going to give you that same power to learn how to communicate through that conflict at work. So I really do believe those patterns show up the same. Whatever you're noticing at home is, your trigger is going to be the same thing you're dealing with in the internal conversation in your mind that you're going to deal with at home or at work. So it's it's a matter of awareness and which situation is triggering you in those circumstances. And what do you believe about yourself in that moment? And then really coming to that conversation of understanding yourself better and letting go of the heavy beliefs that are limiting you and then choosing intentionally to believe what will support you in becoming your best self.

00:13:30 Speaker 4: Yes, this is so true and.

00:13:32 Speaker 1: So well said. You know, and it makes so much sense. Many people are regulating all day long at work, only to feel emotionally exhausted and triggered at home where it feels, you know, where it should feel safer to let go.

00:13:48 Speaker 3: Yes, yes.

00:13:49 Speaker 2: And it's it's so hard because they're already worn down. And that's when you get to the place where your emotions are raw and you just you want to show up as your best self, but you don't have that strength that you did in the morning when you went to work. So it really is a matter of calming and finding that that grounding within yourself and remembering what your intentions are as a parent. When you come home after a long day of work and just choosing to pause and rebuild that self-care really is the piece that's needed. Have a practice before you go into your house. Maybe it's on the way home that you're talking to yourself in ways of processing your day, letting go of any conflicts, or recognizing how you want to show up tomorrow, and then framing your mind before you go into your house of, okay, I'm getting ready to go be with my family. This is how I want to be. And then imagining that connection and truly, intentionally creating it when you walk through that door, hey, how are you doing? What was your day like? And you're showing up as your best self when you come home to?

00:14:54 Speaker 1: Absolutely. I agree and so well said I must say. And you know, you integrate emotional regulation, mental wiring and the Ted framework in your work. When someone notices that you know they are about to spiral into a reaction, what is one practical shift that they can start with?

00:15:18 Speaker 2: Well, I love that you mentioned the Ted framework because it really does give people empowering language to recognize what's happening inside of us. So often, there's so much emotional overload and overwhelm that we can't figure out why am I doing this? And the Ted framework is a way that it names certain behaviors so that you can recognize what you are doing that you don't want, and then how to shift and change into what you do want. So the three it's called the dreaded drama triangle. It's from Doctor Cartman, I believe it was back in the seventies. Don't quote me on the year. But, um, Doctor Cartman came up with the drama triangle and the book The Power of Ted by David Emerald. He reframed it as the dreaded drama triangle, putting it in his story framework. So that dreaded drama triangle names three emotionally reactive characters. One is a victim, two is a persecutor, and three is a rescuer. So there's certain beliefs and characteristics and behaviors that go along with each of those. And then a way to shift into how do I change that behavior. For example, when I was showing up as mom zilla, I felt powerless. That was one of the hugest things I struggled with. It was a combination between wanting to control my kids and the fear that I couldn't control them. Which is true. You can't control your kids, but you can control yourself. And that was the gift that came out of it for me, is I learned that self-mastery part. So shifting from powerless victim into I can choose my own words. I can choose my own behavior. I can choose how I show up. I don't have to react to this emotionally. In the moment when emotions are high, I can choose to keep my voice calm. I can choose, you know, all of those things to recognize and shift. So that's just one little way that those drama triangles shift into the creator, the the creator roles which are creator, challenger and coach. And those are ways that you can show up as your best self, to ask questions or to speak truth, or even to claim that power to pause. I need five minutes. I'll be right back. So there's ways that you can shift from what is painful into truly becoming your best self, with your with your kids and with your team.

00:17:50 Speaker 1: Absolutely. I agree, and you have framed it so wonderfully for our listeners tonight. I you know, it is. I appreciate how empowering it is. You know, instead of fixing or blaming ourselves, we learn to pause, notice and consciously choose a different internal response. And which is so beautiful.

00:18:12 Speaker 2: Yes, that is so well said. That's exactly the pattern that needs to happen. Pause and notice and intentionally choose. Yes.

00:18:22 Speaker 4: Yeah.

00:18:22 Speaker 1: So even with awareness, setbacks can happen. What tends to help people stay committed to this work when old patterns resurfaces, especially in emotionally charged relationships?

00:18:37 Speaker 2: Mhm. That is so good. Because those emotional setbacks, those moments when we don't show up as our best self, it could be really easy to start to beat yourself up. To have that moment of shame and shame is what keeps you locked into the addiction spiral of not showing up as who you want to be. So what is needed in that moment is compassion. And one of the things that we create in our community is helping them to see the messy middle we call it, of really what you're experiencing right now is your lesson. So there's three key focuses we talk about every week in our community. And those three key focuses can help someone in the middle of this struggle. So the first thing is to point your mind intentionally to the solution. And I like to frame this as if imagine that you're standing on a beach and you have the sun over on the right side, and it's bright and beautiful. And as you gradually look to the left side, you see a storm that's dark and deep, and you know, there's the lightning and all the things that make things heavy. And imagine that when you are in your mind, your mind is in that heavy place. It's focused on the clouds. So in order to get out of that emotional downward place, you intentionally shift your mind to what is working, to what's going well, to what I'm grateful for. It's not so much a matter that the particular thought is framed exactly as you want it to be, but it's the direction you're pointing your mind to focus. So the framework of the image really helps you point your mind and notice what do I want in this moment? What is going well and really looking at one key thing of okay, what am I grateful for? What's on the side of the sun basically is where you point your mind for the first key focus. The second key focus is recognizing the challenge. Really what's happening right now? What am I experiencing? Why is this hard? Why don't I like this? Why is this painful? Because that that's where the lesson is, right? Where the challenge gets transformed into that gift. And looking at what that second key focus is. And the third key focus is the one next step. There's things that we can choose and things that we can't choose, things that we have power over and things that we don't have power over. And wisdom is truly knowing the difference between those two things. So asking yourself what part of this is mine and what can I own one hundred percent? And what's that one next step of something that I can do to take action, to move toward my desired outcome? And no matter what circumstances you face at work or at home, those three key focuses are going to empower you to focus your mind on where you want to go and move toward it.

00:21:31 Speaker 1: Absolutely I agree. And this is such a powerful reminder, I must say. You know, growth does not mean never reacting again. It means recovering faster and with more compassion towards ourselves.

00:21:47 Speaker 2: That's exactly right. And that's what people like in the beginning of your journey. They say scientifically that it takes twenty minutes to go from a state of fight or flight to a state of calm. But the more you practice intentionally doing that over and over again, the faster you're going to be able to get out of that monkey brain spot.

00:22:08 Speaker 1: I agree. You know, so for someone who is listening in right now and who feels they're constantly holding everything together and quietly falling apart inside. What would you want them to gently remember right now?

00:22:23 Speaker 2: Um, first of all, I have to say that that's a painful place to be. It hurts my heart to feel like everything's falling apart and recognizing and having compassion for that part of you that is hurt. I do like to frame it in the sense of looking at your child's self and understanding what that part of you is experiencing. So there's four R's that we work through as a pattern in group sessions or in private sessions. And I would encourage you to have a conversation with your child self working through these four bars. Number one is recognizing what you're experiencing. Number two is removing what you don't like. Number three is replacing what you do want. And number four is reimagining what you want your future to be. So having that conversation with that child self will give you that that voice to be validated and heard and show up for that child in a way that they had maybe something in a past experience that hurt, that they never were able to express. So when you feel like you're falling apart and there's that part of you that you can't face your life, just pause and find that repetitive time, a habit, a daily time that you can show up for yourself and have this conversation with a part of you. It could be a child. It could be, you know, that part of you yesterday that yelled at your kids, it could be whatever part, but have that conversation and let that part express what's happening and what they need.

00:24:03 Speaker 1: Absolutely. I agree, and that is so well said. And you know, I at the end, I just want to say that emotional regulation is not about being unshakable. It is about learning how to stay present, responsive and self connected even when the life feels overwhelming. Overwhelming?

00:24:25 Speaker 2: Absolutely. Yeah, because that is presence, right? When we allow ourselves to sit in that moment of, okay, this just happened and I'm I'm recognizing it now. And at the moment you recognize it, you can choose it. But before that moment, you really didn't have power to choose it before all of the things that happened in your past. Have compassion for that part of you to recognize. If you didn't choose it, then there's no shame. But all you can do right now in the present moment is where your power is. As soon as you recognize it, you can choose it and change it.

00:25:01 Speaker 1: Definitely. I agree, Penny, for our listeners who want to explore more about your work and learn more about mental fitness and emotional regulation. Where can they find you?

00:25:12 Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely. I would love to connect with those people that have a vision to move toward their desired outcome and empower them to truly see themselves in the way that they want to. We are at Kokoro Creators.com. That's Creators.com. There's a programs page that describes four different stages of where people typically are in their journey. There's a quiz at the top right button to explore which stage you're in. But the Calm Self Mastery reset is the second stage, and you can click on that button if you want to test the waters and see if this is the right fit for you. And then we'll be able to connect at that point.

00:25:52 Speaker 1: Wonderful. I hope many, many people connect with you, because it is such a beautiful thing that you teach, and that is so beautiful and such insightful conversations with you. I will make sure to include all these details into the show notes so that many people can reach out to you. Uh, thank you so much for spending this time with us on Healing Mindset. It was absolutely beautiful and dear listeners, if today's conversation resonated with you, take a moment to notice how you speak to yourself in the moments that feel hardest. Awareness is often the first act of healing. So until next time, take care of your inner world as gently as you care for everyone else.